can i stay sane and sincere? i have no idea.

im such a distracted and delusional person. seriously. i let my superficial side take over me, when im independent, that's how i remain sane, and really, i dont think it's helping me much this time.

ohwells.

it's been pretty good so far.. piano lesson went well. getting As on my work(FINALLY!)
and.. basically, i've been handling everything well. but, everytime i feel good about something, im sooo tempted to.. argh. it's killing me. it really is.

but nopes. im not gonna talk. im not gonna talk. nopes i am not.
concentrate on your studies. concentrate on your music. concentrate on working towards your future.

(= i have brainwashed myself pretty well so far.
anyways, so today was quite.. :/ and :D at the same time.
i was kinda pissed off today :/ and it isnt the first time she's done it. i really cant stand arrogant people, i really cant. she's a really good friend, and i've known her for quite awhile, but really. you werent like that in the past. you've changed, and now that you have, i dont know what to do.
i've been trying to accept all your changes for a super long time, cuz i know that that's what friends do. we accept each other for who we are. but really, im starting to detest myself because of you, and i dont think that's such a good idea. because of YOUR arrogance, YOU have made me think so little of myself. YOU have made me feel SO SMALL and INSIGNIFICANT.
now i feel like im such an idiot, a freaking airhead that doesnt understand anything at all, unlike YOU.
of course, you're the best, yeah yeah, you're always right.. you sure? just cuz your voice maybe louder than others doesnt make your opinions always right.
im not the only one that feels this way. and i know that if i told you right in your face that you're turning into such a _____, you wont like it, and it's really mean.
and, if i did that, wouldnt i be doing the same thing that others did to me before?
it isnt a nice way to tell you these things. but what am i gonna do?
i really dont know what to do anymore, okay? so please, im begging you, stop pissing me off before i seriously blow my top and yell at you.


okay. phew. got that off my chest. i was super pissed and exhausted today.
and poonie dint exactly help by bullying me -.-
one should know one's limits.

and from what i've experienced before, im not a good candidate to 'bully' or tease when im in a bad mood.
but i guess that's good, to a certain extent. i used to be such a pushover.
okay, im feeling better now. oh, but i havent posted about what made me =D

kays, at my piano lesson today, which i was dreading like alot cuz i dint really practice..
i did relatively well.. i guess. haha
i was superr nervous, cuz miss teo wanted me to play for the goodlooking guy again. hahaa
so i made alot alot alot of mistakes, and halfway through the piece, i saw in the reflection of the piano, that he was laughing! so i was totally :/ at first, but then after the whole piece ended, he clapped really loud and chuckled saying "miss teo, i guess she's rather nervous.. kinda cute.." then he burst out into laughter again. -.- and miss teo went " lydia, good job! and why are you so nervous?? are you scared of eric?"
and i stupidly stared at the 2 of them and blushed :/
and miss teo had to announce, SO LOUDLY "OH lydia! why are you blushing??"
-.-
thanx alot miss teo.
so embarrassing, can u imagine? i have never made so many mistakes in one piece in my whole entire life before okay! but the second time i played for some other guy was pretty alright. i think it was the whole nerves thingy. i get kinda worked up when i play the first time.. dont know why.
but it's alright anyway, i'll never see eric again i think.
he thinks im fromm NAFA. hah! im honoured(=

ohwells, so yeah, since i played well the 2nd time, so im =D










i miss the old days.. i miss the cemetery )=
i miss you.